- Fix together
By Hanne Baltzer
Most women are able to talk about how they feel. And they often have more people to confide in because they have acquired many social skills. Men have a harder time putting difficult things into words. They have learnt to push emotions aside, but this can lead to unhappiness, mental health problems and isolation.
"It's crucial to have someone to confide in. We have enough data to show that some men don't thrive mentally at all. They typically slip off with a disarming remark if you ask about them, or they shut down because they can't put the answer into words, and then the fragile confidentiality is over. They are very vulnerable," says Svend Aage Madsen. He is a research leader and psychologist at Rigshospitalet in Copenhagen and chairman of the Forum for Men's Health. The organisation works to focus on and improve men's physical and mental health.
Shorter lifespan
A new Danish study from the Forum for Men's Health, led by Svend Aage Madsen, shows that one in five men rarely or never have someone to talk to confidentially. The consequence is a shorter lifespan, because everyone needs someone who loves you and cares about how you feel.
Even though the study was conducted among Danish men, it is still relevant to others. We know from surveys among seafarers that many emphasise loneliness as a condition of life at sea. Physically, you are limited by the confines of the ship, and mentally by a perhaps sporadic contact with the outside world due to changing online opportunities and relatively few colleagues with whom you have little in common.
The psyche is uncharted territory
Through his work, Svend Aage Madsen meets more and more men who struggle with loneliness. He often asks the question: How long has it been since you've spoken confidentially with another human being? "If you don't have anyone to talk to confidentially, your thoughts run in circles. You need input from others to get you thinking in new ways. Having a confidant makes it easier to deal with the difficult things. If you feel deprived because no one sees how you feel or you don't think you matter to others, this is often an indicator of mental and physical unhappiness. Men find it difficult to recognise problems as psychological. For many, talking about the psyche is simply an unknown territory," says Svend Aage Madsen.
Seeking help is not men's favourite way to fix a situation, even if it's hard to do something on your own. Doing something together is something else. Men typically want to do something together. This can also be done on board a ship while talking about something that's on your mind, although most men aren't used to sharing emotions at all.
Together
"For many men, it has never been productive to feel how they feel in the functions men have had throughout our civilisation. Women do, because they're on home turf when it comes to relationships because they've taken care of the family. They will seek out relationships when things are difficult. A lot of men just want to be left alone and that's not healthy for them," he says.
Friends come in many guises, while close relationships are almost formulaic: "It's someone who means something to you and who you care about. Someone you want to relate to, how you feel, and who will do the same for you. Someone you can go to when you're in crisis or when you're unhappy about something," says Svend Aage Madsen.
Typically, men's emotional and physical health is dependent on a partner. Almost 70 per cent of men believe that having a partner is crucial. People who don't have close relationships are also often late to the doctor and have a higher mortality rate for various diseases. Studies show that men live seven years less if they are not in a relationship. For women it's three years. If a man loses his partner at home, for example through divorce, the closest relationship he has is gone.
Take action
A large group of men experience loneliness, unwanted single life and childlessness, lack of opportunities to keep up at work and poor physical health, which also impairs mental well-being. All of which affect everyday life.
"We know that not having close relationships is the biggest vulnerability factor for mental health difficulties and unhappiness. Men have to work to put words to it, even though some of them say that emotions are not something we talk about, it's just something we are equipped with."
Specifically, the Forum for Men's Health is setting up communities called 'Men's Meeting Places' around Denmark. They are not about talking about problems. They are about doing something together, building relationships and eventually developing close friendships.
"We know that if we create this type of community, the men come out in droves, because doing something together builds relationships. You can probably do that on board a ship too."
I box
- Take the initiative to have a chat.
- Listen and allow the other person to remain silent after the first few words. Don't interrupt the thought process by talking on. Give the other person space to speak again.
- Never ask a man: How do you feel? How are you feeling? Do you feel lonely?
Instead of: Do you have someone to confide in? How would you rate your mental wellbeing? - It's better to ask than not to ask at all.
- Do something together on board in your free time.
- A good work environment is also mental health. As a colleague, you play a big role.
- If men have bad behaviour, they've had it bad for a long time.
- Give your colleague a warm welcome if they've been down with the flag and are now back.